Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
