You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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