Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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