She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
