Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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