my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I wear drunk well.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
