This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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