so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
