There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
