why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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