My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Alive.
So much puke
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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