evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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