I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
