Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
