I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
