Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
