saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
