it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
