It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
