We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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