I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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