I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
