My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
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Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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