I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
