I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
