Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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