note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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