I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
