Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
