I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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