So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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