I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences In Dating Men And Women
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am