Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
