I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
