Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
