Your dad touched me again.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
