I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
