This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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