You're a womanizer and a bitch.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
