why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
