i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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