The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
