the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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