i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
