My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
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I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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