im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
