I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
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