so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
