update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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