ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
