i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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