Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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