He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
