honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
