his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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