just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
