Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
