these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
