Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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