So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
