shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
