Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
two words: eviction party
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
you had me at cake vodka
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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