I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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