i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
